Naked (Christmas) Lunch

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, 22 December 2021
Naked (Christmas) lunch
Turkey © Mark Greco

Post-modernist author William Burroughs named his infamous 1959 novel after “a frozen moment when everyone sees what is on the end of every fork”. 

Like the drug-fuelled characters of Burroughs’ Naked Lunch, 76% of Brits will soon be itching for their festive fix from a bird which has taken a disjointed long strange trip through time and space to land on our plates. So, before you start gobbling this Christmas, spare a frozen moment with the defrosted, oven-cooked, gravy-coated bird perched on the end of your fork. Let’s talk turkey.

There are just two species of turkey in the world. The stunning iridescent Ocellated Turkey is confined to the Yucatan peninsula while the commoner Wild Turkey has a range that extends from the sun-baked savannahs of central Mexico north through the oak forests of the United States. The Wild Turkey is a monstrous, spectacular bird. The huge males prowl the forests, their ruffled black feathers billowing like a cloud of volcanic ash. From this darkness erupts a bare blue reptilian head with lava flows of red, warty skin dripping from it. These grotesque, leathery skin-flaps – the snood, wattle and caruncle – inflate with blood and are irresistible to females. This extraordinary animal was revered by primitive people who plucked its feathers for ceremonial rituals. Centuries ago one population of Wild Turkey from the hills of south-central Mexico was tamed. By the time the Aztecs ruled the roost they wore turkey, ate turkey and prayed to Chalchiuhtotolin, their turkey god.

After their Aztec conquests the Spaniards with ships laden with looted gold, silver and turkey. And it wasn’t long after, in 1524, that turkeys travelled northwest across The Channel to England where some geographic confusion about their country of origin gave the bird its name. Soon these supposed Turkish delights were being carved and served to the wealthy. Henry VIII may well have been one of the first Brits to enjoy a turkey for Christmas lunch (and then no doubt spent the rest of the afternoon asleep in front of the jester).

The turkey’s domestication continued. In eastern England specialist poulterers developed breeds such as Norfolk Black, Cambridge Bronze and the Broad Breasted White; the bird that we eat today. Then, in 1620, the Pilgrim settlers, in a ‘coals to Newcastle’ scenario, shipped these brainwashed breeds back to North America and proudly gave them to the bemused native people who for centuries had been enjoying the rich, dark meat of the larger ancestral Wild Turkeys. It must have been like aliens landing outside Harvey’s Brewery and presenting us with a small glass of weak lager.

Today we remain a nation of turkey addicts. Ten million of them were eaten here last Christmas. It’s time to stop staring at your fork and satisfy your Christmas craving – so get it while it’s hot. It’ll be cold turkey for us from tomorrow. Merry Christmas everybody and best wishes for 2022.

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