A Guide to Dating (if you were a Leopard Slug)

Emma Chaplin
, 13 February 2021
A Guide to Dating (if you were a Leopard Slug)
Leopard Slugs © Alan Price

A guide to dating (if you were a Leopard Slug)

  1. It’s been a long lockdown, time to find a mate. Remember, you’re not in the sea anymore and can’t rely on the water mixing your sperm with any old egg. A little more effort is required these days.
  2. Get yourself ready and smelling good. Put on a favourite scent and change the composition of your slime trail to show that you’re ready to mingle. Start sliding around town to get it all over the place.
  3. Don’t play hard to get. Remember, you might not be the only slug out there looking for fun. Slide right if another slime trail smells good to you. To avoid any unwanted competition, it might be time to speed up, you don’t know if anyone else has found that trail or how far they are in front. Don’t be caught short playing it cool or you’ll miss the boat.
  4. Play it straight, show them what you’re up for. When you catch up with your date, bite their bum to tell them you’ve arrived and you’re ready for a lovely evening.
  5. Chivalry is key; allow your date to choose the venue and follow them there. Additional romance is found in the scenery, so an elevated position is recommended.
  6. Deliberation and confidence. Now it’s time to get physical. Start by twisting around each other’s bodies, and remember, the more mucus the better.
  7. Excitement increases attraction. Once your mucus has got really sticky, it’s time to throw yourselves off the edge of your perch for an adrenaline rush that will be unforgettable. Your combined mucal bungee rope should be able to take the weight.
  8. A considerate lover is a good lover: slugs are hermaphrodites, so it’s important you both get something out of the evening. Start by gently entwining male organs to really feel a connection.
  9. When two become one. Once you’ve given and received each other’s sperm, don’t bother hanging about. With fertilisation complete, it’s time to drop to the ground and get on with eating as much as you can before daybreak. This is nature, not something out of Cosmo!

Take a look at how the pros do it.

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